What’s that? Ah, it’s the sound of crickets and tumbleweeds in your inbox. And I have a pretty good hunch as to why. It likely has something to do with you trying to spit game with some pretty uncool one-liners.

Dating, much like ordering takeout, should be fun and simple — yes, we know that doesn’t exactly hold true in reality sometimes, but things will always be easier if your first message is not only hilarious and original, but also guarantees a greater-than-0-percent response rate. Good thing these seven upgrades do it all.

Prompts an eye-roll: : “Hey”
Prompts a response: “I didn’t want to just say ‘hey’ because that’s weak, so how about ‘heyy?'”

Prompts an eye-roll: “You’re beautiful.”
Prompts a response: “You’re nicer to look at than a Bob Ross painting.”

Prompts an eye-roll: “On a scale of 1 to America, how free are you tonight?”
Prompts a response: “Are you from ‘Stranger Things?’ Because on a scale from 1 to 10, you’re an 11.”

Prompts an eye-roll: “I’m on the phone with Apple complaining, because iTunes doesn’t have you listed as the hottest single.”
Prompts a response: “Things that are hot and single: personal pizzas, Sicko Mode by Travis Scott, and you”

Prompts an eye-roll: “Are you my appendix? Because I don’t know what you do, but this feeling in my stomach makes me want to take you out.”
Prompts a response: “Are you Target? Because I could spend hours with you and still not want to leave.”

Prompts an eye-roll: “Best smile on Tinder. You must use Crest, lol.”
Prompts a response: “OK, nice smile, but how’s your frown?”

Prompts an eye-roll: “How much does a polar bear weigh? Enough to break the ice.”
Prompts a response: “I’m so sick of people judging polar bears on their weight just for a good icebreaker. So anyway, what’s up?”