February 14th: the fateful day when you can either put clothes on and proceed to spend your entire net worth on a dinner for two or you can sit in the comfort of your own home while eating delivery and chatting up your matches. Oh, you want to do the second thing? Good, because it just so happens that I’ve cooked up some Valentine’s Day-specific lines to fulfill all of your Tinder message dreams. Cupid? Never heard of her.

1. If you had to choose one Valentine’s Day gift to receive, what would it be?

2. Let’s settle this debate: candy hearts, terrible or the absolute worst?

3. Russell Stover and come over?

4. 🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹

^ some flowers for you on this fine Valentine’s Day

5. Ideal Valentine’s Day dinner menu?

6. Right from the start you stole my heart.

Lol, I took that from a Hallmark card…What’s up?

7. What’s your best Valentine’s Day pickup line? (Yes, this is mine.)

8. If I were to give you a Valentine, it’d be a picture of Simon Cowell that says, “It’s a yes from me”

9. *read in life alert lady voice* Help! I’ve fallen for you, and I can’t get up.

10. If you were a candy heart, what would you say?

11. I spent all night making you a Valentine. When are you free so I can give it to you? 

12. Fuck, marry, kill: candy hearts, chocolate-covered strawberries, very expensive and subpar Valentine’s Day dinners

13. Hey, kinda awkward but I think my Valentine got lost in the mail?

14. You can only choose one cheesy and awful Valentine’s Day pickup line. Choose wisely:

A. This Valentine’s Day, let’s make like fabric softener and Snuggle.

B. Cupid called. He says that he needs my heart back.

C. You’re so sweet, you could put Hershey’s out of business.

D. None, but you’re funny and original. Let’s get a drink.