There’s a time and place for acting like a fancy pants, but your Tinder profile is not one of them. Some of you are acting bougie AF in your bios and must be stopped. Before this becomes a trend, like fedoras or homemade hemp necklaces, that we look back on with disgust, we must address the issue. Hold your applause while I do God’s work.
You can tell a lot about someone by reading their bio. And, to answer the million-dollar question on dating apps — people actually DO “read this thing.” The little blurb you write about yourself is the only information your potential matches have about you. First impressions are critical, and not everyone cares to mask their arrogance. A self-important bio is a great way to attract other aspiring members of the bourgeois: You can let the world know that spelling mistakes will not be tolerated, but I have to let you know that having your nose stuck in the air is a common deal breaker — and not just for us peasants.
Fortunately, the world hasn’t been taken over by Louboutin stilettos and self-proclaimed scholars yet. I’m willing to bet zero dollars that most people on a high horse just need to be knocked off to stay grounded. And since your friends failed to stop you from putting your pedicured foot in your mouth, I’ll be the one deflating your ego today. Don’t worry, you can still talk about the 41 countries you’ve visited when you meet up in person.
Stay humble, and if you’re guilty of one of the following, get ready to give your bio a much-needed makeover.
1. Oxford Comma Activists
Let’s start with the most puzzling phenomena: Oxford comma enthusiasts. According to the thousands of years I’ve spent on dating apps, the serial comma has more fans than the Bey-hive. Some take it a step further and call themselves “staunch defenders” or “activists.” Interesting. Pardon me, but I think gender equality, systemic racism, and global warming are more important issues. I get it — you love to excessively use commas. Here’s a solve for that: Tell us something real, and use the Oxford comma while you do it.
2. Aspiring Polyglot With Accompanying Flags
Yes, we’re all impressed with anyone who speaks multiple languages, but this information is better served as an Easter egg than as the first line in your bio. Kudos for taking the time to carefully add each appropriate flag emoji, but unfortunately all this reveals is that you spend your weekends with Rosetta Stone or, worse, you’re a bragger. Try saying a few clever words in another tongue, and let the information come out organically when you’re in a chat. You’ll earn cool points for being inclusive in the way you communicate and end up being far more approachable at the same time.
There are two types of sapiosexuals: people who are attracted to a person’s intellect and people who call themselves sapiosexuals because they found out about a new, cool label that would make them profound. According to research, if you’re in the latter camp, you actually aren’t sapiosexual at all — you’re just arrogant. Hetero people claiming a sexual identity to reveal that they aren’t superficial is bougie to a cringe-worthy degree. You don’t need your own label to be unique — just be you. And on behalf of all of us wearing labels we didn’t choose, we beg you: Please remove this from all your dating profiles.
4. Foodie, With No Proper Schooling
A foodie is someone with a particular interest in food — it’s nothing more complex than that. Which, by definition, makes all human beings foodies because we need nourishment to stay alive, and we have these cool things called taste buds to make it enjoyable. Without serious kitchen skills and proper schooling, you are more bougie than foodie. If you give up some of your favorite dishes in your bio, you’ll be rewarded in matches that also like food. That’s not a promise, it’s science.
5. “Must Be Well-Traveled”
A superficial demand with a bold assumption attached is the definition of bougie. Whenever I see this request, I can’t help wanting to reach into the app and save you from slipping off your soapbox. We don’t have the technology for that, but I luckily I can still save you: Want a travel buddy? Ask for one instead of trying to rebuild everyone’s past experiences. Spend 15 minutes on any dating app, and you’ll find out everyone loves travel — they just may not have had the means to do it yet. Turn this demand into a request, and you might meet your match.
6. “Looking For Other Successful People”
There are plenty of “successful” people who can’t change a tire or boil a pot of water. If you’re the CEO of a company, but you can’t survive in an apocalypse, you are not a success story in the eyes of many. Knowing how to stay alive is how I define success, how about you? Break it down for the folks in the back, and call out the traits you want in a match. And don’t take success lightly, because landing your dream job is no easy task. Give a shout-out to those holding it down instead of passive aggressively shaming those who are still on the grind.
7. “Sarcasm Is My Second Language”
Sarcasm is not a language. I would stop here, but I want to really drive this point home: Every time I’ve come across this exact wording in a bio, I relish in the irony that there’s actually no evidence that you are fluent in sarcasm. Show us your sarcasm is funny and not mean-spirited because it’s hard to buy what you’re selling without any proof. Your potential matches deserve the right to use Swipe Left™ until you prove which dialect of sarcasm you speak.
8. “Not On Here All That Often Add Me On Insta”
There’s a lot to unpack here. At first glance, I often wonder if you’re using the app incorrectly: You do know you can have conversations here too, right? There’s a reason why people aren’t sliding into chats all willy-nilly — matching is based on two people with a shared interest. You being MIA is very unhelpful for potential matches, and frankly, me specifically. I’m not sure I’m buying that you aren’t here all that often; it sounds like you just hate taking initiative, which is another deal breaker. I have no solve for you other than to say this: You are not that busy.
9. Grammar Police
If people who don’t know the difference between “your” and “you’re” are on the top of your hit list, you probably need to dial it back a notch. Keep in mind that having good grammar is a sign of privilege in this country — it indicates you either have a good education and/or English as your first language. And P.S.: No one is looking to match with the grammar police. Take a chill and worry about the more important things. If you’re weeding out prospects based on misplaced apostrophes, you could be seriously missing out.
The only difference between you and someone who loves motion pictures is that you decided to be pretentious about it. I don’t need to tell you that stating you’re a cinephile is like saying you’re a musicophile — it’s just unnecessary. Just say you love movies much like the rest of the population and try to wait until you meet up IRL to reveal you’re so posh that you eat crumpets at high tea time.
11. “I Don’t Know Why I’m On This Thing”
Not sure why you’re on Tinder? I call bullshit. You know exactly why you’re here and so does everyone else: You want to connect with someone who doesn’t go to the same Whole Foods as you. But when you marvel that a catch like you is on an app like Tinder, all you’re doing is quietly shaming all your potential matches. And frankly, it hurts our feelings.
12. Après Ski Hobbyists
Those of you cut from the same cloth as I am are probably wondering WTF “après ski” is. I, too, often have to look up what rich people are saying to me. Après ski, or “après for short, is just the after-party after you hit the slopes. When you sandwich it between yoga and tennis as if it were an ordinary pastime, you’re not only incorrect, you’re also a pretentious d-bag. Do yourself a favor and just simply write that you like skiing. It’s an activity, and it also comes with a scouche of bougie-ness that’s easier to digest.