Swiper’s Q: Is this a “nice guy” way of trying to end things? Seems a little extreme to suggest a one-time cancel could be a deal breaker.

*Palm to face.* This dude needs a serious crash course in “Don’t Do That 101.” When I first read this, I was admittedly confused like you. I couldn’t decipher if he was just a bad texter or if there was some other factor at hand. But I’ve been committed to your case — knee deep in spreadsheets and pie charts — and I can confidently say that this guy is a scientifically verified lame-o, very rude, and has negative swag. Gotta love science.

First, let’s start with you. You’d been out together before (six times to be exact), so naturally you inquired where said date would be held. Right on! You asked a completely normal, valid, and productive question. But why didn’t he cancel before you reached out? Was he just going to leave the topic untouched unless you said something? Why was this the only text sent? My data suggests it’s because he is actually not a nice guy. He is a very, very mean Grinch-of-a-guy who is gallivanting around under the ruse of “nice guy.” No wonder you didn’t continue the conversation beyond his “I can’t” iMessage.

Allow me to prove my point by breaking it down:


is this a breakup text


This is a perfectly normal greeting. It’s what comes after that really ruffles my feathers.

“So I gotta cancel”

Ok… and? What’s the excuse? Presentation in the morning? Fair. Ate too many Bagel Bites? Been there. Car broke down? Feel for you, my dude. But to just leave you hanging with no excuse as to why he had to ditch is super uncool. A nice guy would explain himself with maybe more than one text, or *gasp* a call to apologize. Which brings me to my next point…


Ha! That kind of sorry is for when someone bumps into you accidentally. No, the sorry you deserved was the kind you get when someone bumps into you AND spills your no foam, dairy-free latte all over you. “A nice guy would apologize. He never used the words, ‘I apologize.’ He never said how badly he felt about canceling because he didn’t,” says Julie Spira, digital dating expert and CEO of Cyber-Dating Expert. You were owed a big fat sorry and a digital foot kiss. We’ll Venmo request him for that later.

“I totally understand if it’s a deal breaker and you never wanna see me again.”

I completely agree with you that it is extreme to suggest this was deal-breaker worthy. He’s trying to get himself off the hook. He’s feeding you lines, saying all the things you might possibly say before you say them so he doesn’t look like the bad guy. Plot twist! He is the bad guy. He’s attempting to pull some reverse psychology voodoo, but we are hip to his game(s).

“Would like to see you but really either way I won’t be offended”   

Omg, he’s still going?! World’s worst actor. Someone get this guy a Razzie. “His ambivalence shows that he doesn’t value her time,” says Spira. And him saying he won’t be upset either way means that he’ll hit someone else up if you decide you’re not into his fraudulent good guy behavior. Just know this has nothing to do with you. This is a dude who has complete disregard for other people’s feelings. He is over, he’s canceled.

If that wasn’t enough to close this case, let’s not forget that he didn’t even offer to reschedule. Someone who is, say, a decent human would’ve done that. He seems like he’s the type who rotates through dates faster than I can polish off a can of Pringles. He didn’t give you two the chance to create a connection because that’s not what he’s looking for. He’s a lazy guy who “ended something” before it even started; the thought of leaving his couch to actually go meet someone instead of having them come to him was too much for his precious little man self.

So, no, the cancel isn’t a deal breaker, but his overall meh-ness and apathetic attitude is. Next! Unsubscribe! Ctrl + alt + delete him from your life. He doesn’t deserve your response, your time, or your energy. I would ignore his “non-apology” and get rid of his number. You are Rihanna, you are a pink Starburst, you are that feeling of waking up and realizing you still have an hour to sleep. And remember: He did you a huge favor. He gave you a glimpse into his gross behavior before you even wasted your time and an Uber fare to go meet him.

Keep doing you, and I have a feeling you’ll meet a guy who never cancels and never apologizes because he doesn’t have to. He’s perfect and never does anything wrong. Good luck! You’ve got this.