Stop us if this sounds familiar: Life had been swell. You’d been sleeping at least eight hours a night. All of your plants were thriving. You’d even got a headstart on filing your taxes. Overall, you were feeling great about where you were at in life and, for once, nothing could kill your vibe.
Then, one day, you were mindlessly scrolling through your Instagram feed when, BOOM, you saw the post that anyone who’s been through a breakup dreads: the first pic of your ex and their new S.O. (aka, your replacement). The vibe you were basking in earlier? Very much dead.
Naturally, you were in your feelings about your ex finding someone new. That’s valid. And those feelings may have made you want to do a quick temperature check to see if they still had even a smidge of love for you. That is not so valid. In fact, it’s just asking for things to get messy, and you’re much better than that. Instead of stirring the pot, let bygones be bygones. There are many — or at least 17 — more productive things you can do with your time.
1. Stop being thirsty. Chug a 16-ounce glass of water.
2. Get to know yourself better with an Enneagram personality test.
3. Listen to Lizzo and feel those endorphins multiply.
4. Water your plants. You think you’re sad now, but just imagine how much worse you’ll feel when surrounded by dead flora.
6. Update your resume. Be sure to include “proficient in not texting exes for attention.”
7. Wash your pillowcases, because yes, you should do that every week. Same goes for your sheets.
8. Read the book that’s been on your side table collecting dust for months.
9. Take your vitamins. Your health is way more important than anything that has to do with your ex.
10. Do some stretches. For clarification, see number 9.
11. Get a goldfish, the companion that never disappoints.
12. Eat some goldfish, the snack that never disappoints.
13. Clean your makeup brushes. It’s truly shocking how much bacteria (and negative energy) those things hold.
14. Do some alternate nostril breathing. Your stress levels will thank you.
15. Instead of spending hours on your ex’s new boo’s IG, familiarize yourself with the candidates running in local elections. Your country will thank you.
16. Make a playlist entitled “Listen When You Want to Text Your Ex” only featuring “Stronger” by Britney Spears.
17. Text your goddamn mom. She’s waiting. Always.