There are some things everyone can use advice on. These include but are not limited to: how to nicely tell your roommate to stop being a slob (what’s so hard about hanging up your coat?), how to stop spending so much money (when will we learn that we don’t need everything at the Target checkout?), and how to date (an ever-changing equation). While the first two may be beyond the scope of people I’m trying to go out with, I figure the last one might be in their range. So I decided to message my matches — they like me already, right? — to see if they had any good ideas for upping my game.
1. Noodles and chill?
I wouldn’t call myself naturally relaxed but, yes, please feed me good food.
2. Be as open as a 24-hour convenience store.
Like I should tell you about my childhood issues on the first date? That kind of open? Is that cute?
3. Be your own Tiffany Haddish.
Eye contact makes me uncomfortable, but I guess I can give it a try.
4. Confirm you’re the smiley-face emoji.
This one bums me out. But I see where he’s coming from.
5. “I like dollars, I like diamonds.”
If anyone knows how I can acquire some cash with little to no effort, LMK.
6. Do you, boo boo.
Doing me means unbuttoning my pants mid-dinner. Thanks for the encouragement!
7. Don’t be a monster.
Oh, my heart. Who damaged you my sweet, sweet boy?
8. Excommunicate half of the human race.
Correction: People who stand up early and clap on airplanes.
9. Bizarre is better than basic.
Define weird. Does asking your Tinder matches for dating advice count?
10. Honesty is the best policy.
OK, guy with the good hair! Someone give him a trophy for best response.