Have we told you that dating is confusing yet? Well, dating is confusing. (It never hurts to drive a point home.) There’s the miniscule stuff, like what to wear, what punctuation to include in a text, and whether you should get to the bar first. There’s the bigger stuff, like meeting each other’s friends, going away together, and cooking dinner on Valentine’s Day (even though it’s a made-up day!). And then there’s the straight-up stress-inducing stuff like what the heck to call the person you’re kind of but kind of not but maybe also definitely dating. When there’s a term for everything (hello, ghosting) and holidays (still going strong, cuffing season), it’s hard to not have a label for the (possibly special) person in your life. Well, I’ve solved this conundrum for you and will take your gratitude in the form of a diamond necklace with a chicken-nugget pendant.

Incon-S.O.-stent: The person who you really like but it’s inconsistent with

This is a situationship that most likely will never go anywhere, because your schedules just don’t mesh. Every time you hang out it’s as good as the first time you tried mozzarella sticks, but it’ll be a month before you next see each other. You want more than whatever this is, but timing isn’t on your side.

Fanta-S.O.: The person who is basically your S.O. but you’re too scared to have the DTR talk with

All of your friends call them your S.O in conversation, but they’re technically not. You shush your friends so the person doesn’t overhear and run away, even though they’re not even with you. You wish and hope that one day they will be your S.O., but for now, you’re stuck here. 

Howdy partner: The person who you’ve been on one date with and you’re just “talking” to

You met, well, you actually don’t even remember how long ago you met, but you have a text relationship. You chat pretty regularly (about the same amount you would with an actual S.O.) but never actually hang out. All you really do is check in, say hi, rinse, and repeat. 

Classified companion: The person who might as well not exist

It’s not that you’re hiding them per se, but you’re not ready to take the next step by intro-ing them to your people. You go on dates, hang in and order food, and generally have a bitchin’ time together. Still, your friends are starting to think your secret someone is made up. 

Meh mate: The person who you’re not sure about but spend a lot of time with anyway

I pity the poor soul who falls in this category, because, guess what? They really like you, and you’re still kind of “eh” about them. But, goddamnit, you’re bored and want someone to spend time and text with.