Every year must come to an end, and if you’re like most of the world, you probably realize around December that you need to make some changes. Thus begins the season of self-indulgent resolutions that are far too aspirational to ever keep. I’m all about change — just not when it’s forced upon me. This year, I encourage everyone to take a page from my book and commit to your own anti-resolutions.
Here’s the thing: You can eat healthy at any point in the year. You can decide to exercise more any damn day you please. It can feel rather empowering to say screw your positive resolutions: I’m going to pay my rent late instead. While I don’t advise that, I respect all anti-resolutions.
Perhaps making no plans to change any aspect of your life is the best course of action. Frankly, I think I’m doing a pretty good job nailing life as it is, but I suppose I could always quit my casual American Spirit habit. I most likely will, I’m just sure as shit not going to do it in January.
Behold my anti-resolutions. I probably won’t keep these, either.
There’s no cap on how many F bombs you can drop a year. Unless you live in Middleborough, Massachusetts or are confined to a prison in Russia, you have the right to swear unabashedly. Make this resolution in honor of those who don’t give a fuck, but can’t actually say it out loud.
Don’t Make Any New Friends
Personally, I love the friends I have, and our busy schedules make it nearly impossible to give them the attention they deserve. This year I’m focusing on what I have instead of what I could have — because, really, the idea that anyone could be as cool as my besties seems implausible. Plus, this gives me more bandwidth to focus on taking on a string of lovers in 2019.
Drink More (Responsibly)
Maybe you have no personal beef with gin — but I sure do. To put it mildly, when I drink gin I get way, way too wild. Sure, that may sound like a grand ’ole time, but it’s my personal belief that nothing should ever have a hold over me. This year, rather than avoiding drinking gin altogether, I plan to look gin in the face and say, you ain’t shit! I can handle you. We all have a spirit that’s haunted us for years, and it’s time to bury the hatchet once and for all.