With the new year comes a special, tormenting kind of self-reflection over what the past year has offered your love life. You look back on the last 12 months through the lens of your dating successes and failures. Did 2019 bring passion, joy, heartbreak, confusion, inconveniently timed IBS (just me?), or maybe a combination of all five? Regardless, we always want to make the following year even better.
Daters are quick to make tired, vague resolutions to “be less picky,” “be more communicative,” or the Carrie Bradshaw-approved, “love myself first,” but what do these actually mean? Without tangible or specific actions, it’s all too easy for these well-intentioned goals to fall by the wayside.
As we bid farewell not only to 2019, but also to an entire decade, it’s high time that we commit to some new, more realistic resolutions. So let the power of manifestation wash over you and repeat after me.
1. I will not alter the content of my Instagram stories just because my ex suddenly started watching them again.
You’re just setting yourself up to feel a little stupid when they don’t respond to your story that prominently features the song that that you used to regularly duet at karaoke. They’ve probably already found someone else to be the Lady Gaga to their Bradley Cooper anyway.
2. I will spend more time perusing my latest prospect’s Venmo activity.
A payment from someone they have never spoken about accompanied by 🍝🍷💖 is absolutely grounds for moving on to someone new. This holds up in a court of law.
3. I will only sometimes drunk text my ex, and when I do it will only be articles about political redistricting.
It’s an election year, and gerrymandering is frankly a more pressing issue than how much you miss falling asleep in their arms while watching “The Great British Bake Off.” At least make your moment of weakness productive.
4. I will respect my body, heart, and mind by waiting until the third date…to follow someone on Instagram.
Don’t give all your sweet memes and fire OOTDs out for free. Make them work for it.
5. I will be more open to dating people who aren’t my usual “type.”
Go ahead and give a tech bro a chance! Best case scenario? You two hit it off and you lock down an invite for his company’s bougie end-of-year party. Worst case scenario? You never see him again, but at least you finally understand Bitcoin.
6. I will not pretend to like rock climbing just to relate to the person I want to date.
Sometimes they will think your security in your own interests is sexy, sometimes they will stop dating you because they find someone else who does, in fact, love rock climbing. Either way, your authenticity is a win in and of itself.
7. I will not agree to go on a date when I have $13 in my bank account.
Not sure which is worse: a $30 overdraft fee or the risk of your date seeing the text from your bank alerting you to said fee right after you casually say, “Don’t worry, I’ve got this round!”
8. I will not sleep with that one person from my past who always texts me when they’re in town just because I’m bored.
It hasn’t been good the last four times, why would it be good this time? Let’s leave this in the 2010’s. OK, unless you’re in a dry spell — then do what you gotta do.
9. I will stop matching with people who mention “The Office” in their bio.
If we all commit to this, we can eradicate it for good. This is the 2020 we all deserve to live in.