We’ve all been there, staring at a wedding registry and asking why the hell we need to buy things for people who already have the (supposedly) greatest gift of all: love. It makes no sense.
But aside from engaging in the common rant about how much we are all forced to spend on weddings, it leaves me, once again, annoyed that we live in a society that celebrates relationships and pities single people. I, for one, love myself and am happy sleeping alone, yet no one is buying me congratulatory gifts. But maybe they should. If any of my lovely friends — or you, anonymous readers — want to support me on this journey, please direct yourself to my single gift registry.
Silverware for one
I’m a fancy bitch who deserves some fancy silverware. Not a spoon less, not a fork extra.
Lucca Faceted 5 Piece 18/10 Stainless Steel Flatware Set, $44.95, Wayfair.
A highly independent plant
Sometimes I can barely take care of myself, never mind another living being. This little guy is the answer. He barely needs water or sunlight, and he never hogs the blanket.
Plants for Pets Succulent Plants (5 Pack), $15.95, Amazon.
The ultimate wine-drinking hack
Like my mother told me and her mother told her, every bottle can be a glass if you put your mind to it. That said, don’t hesitate to call in a friend for reinforcement.
Guzzle Buddy Wine Bottle Glass, $17.99, Amazon.
A notebook worthy of my thoughts
Gone are the days of worrying if the guy working at the Genius Bar saw that embarrassing note on my iPhone, or worse, if it got backed up to the Cloud.
CaribouMilk Watercolor Minimalist Notebook, $13.15, Etsy.
A guaranteed orgasm
This cheeky and sneaky vibrator is perfect for when I have friends rolling through my pad and need to keep a low profile. Don’t worry, I’ll be careful not to mix it up with any of my favorite mattes. That could get messy.
Blush Novelties Rose Lipstick Vibe, $20, Babeland.
Lingerie that makes me feel like I can do anything
I will now stand in front of the mirror and repeat the centuries old mantra, “I am Rihanna.”
Savage X Fenty Lingerie, $38-$124, Savage X Fenty.
The only downside of being single is lacking an Instagram husband or wife. But with a selfie stick, I am in control of my destiny.
Mpow Selfie Stick, $9.99, Amazon.
A reason to get out of the shower
A super-soft towel is useful for both drying off and lying in bed for 45 minutes, post-shower, staring at the wall and questioning all of my life choices.
White Classic Luxury White Bath Towels, $44.95 for a set of 4, Amazon.
The perfect Netflix-and-chill companion
Whatever I choose to watch, I vow to opt out of distractions and into the tender arms of Ben & Jerry.
EATcreations My Ice Cream and Netflix Binge Spoon, $19.11, Etsy.
My pores are windows to my soul, the deepest depths of which I prefer not everyone sees.
Sephora Collection Supermask, $6, Sephora.
A snuggle buddy
Who says you need another person to spoon? This pillow is softer than your average human body, and I’m willing to bet it’ll never gives me a dead arm.
Utopia Bedding Ultra Soft Body Pillow, $38.99, Amazon.
The light of my beloved
Ask yourself: Whose face would you most like to see before turning off the lights? I’m going with Beyonce.
Illuminidol Celebrity Prayer Candles, $15, Illuminidol.
A better bathtime
As a single woman, I have more time to do absolutely nothing, whenever I want. This caddy, along with the aforementioned wine-lovers tool, sets me up for the ultimate solo kickback.
Umbra Aquala Bamboo and Chrome Bathtub Caddy, $36, Amazon.