Ah, the holidays. There’s Grandpa Harold, badgering you about your dating life, right on cue. That man’s timing is nothing if not impeccable. And when the rest of your family starts reading you for filth, all you want to do is flip your mother’s perfectly set table while you cackle maniacally (don’t do this, it has a very low success rate).

While your visits home may not resemble this type of full-on roast, I’ve created a sample conversation in which a family (not based on my own or anyone’s I know, of course) pesters an innocent single woman about dating and her other life choices. In turn, said single drags them because really, they deserve it.

Who: The Parentals
What: “Honey, it’d be really nice if you brought a plus one to our family gatherings. You’re not getting any younger.”
Why: Because, obviously.
How: “I know. I’m pretty much a spinster. But if I bring a plus one, there will be less of your famous mac’n’cheese for me.”

Who: The Grandparentals
What: “Speaking of mac ‘n’ cheese, you look like you’ve put on some weight. Heart disease runs in our family, you know.”
Why: Because they care, but also want to show off a slim grandchild to their friends at Canasta.
How: “In fact, I have. Thank you for noticing, gram gram.”

Who: Sibling
What: “Did you also notice the matching holiday dinner bibs mom knitted me and my amazing boyfriend? I’m clearly the favorite.”
Why: Because one-upping is in the “sister” job description.
How: “Weird flex, but OK.”

Who: Aunt/uncle
What: “What’s a flex? And where’s that dreidel sweater we got you seven Hanukkahs ago? It must be warmer than that boxy sweatshirt you’re wearing.”
Why: Because they like to brag about the one and only thing they’ve ever bestowed upon you.
How: “Oh, yes! My favorite gift. I wear it once a week because of how cozy it is. It’s actually at the dry cleaners as we speak. It wasn’t ready for pickup in time; I’ll have to have a word with them.”

Who: Cousin
What: “Who picks up their own dry cleaning? As the youngest CEO to ever grace the halls of my company, I have people for that. So, how’s work? Have you gotten a promotion yet?”
Why: One word: competitive.
How: “I actually love having a work/life balance and not slaving away at a computer. But thank you so much for your concern.”

Who: Sibling’s S.O.
What: “Maybe you can use some of that free time to date. Like your mom said, you’re not getting any younger. I have a great coworker. Here’s their resume.”
Why: Because they’re desperate to be part of the family and get on your parents’ good side.
How: *Eats resume,* *washes down with wine.*