Hey, are you crying right now because you’re single? Stop it! Stop it right now. Also, can you throw the mountain of tissues on your bed in the trash? They’re grossing me out. Anyway, listen, sweetie *wipes hair from your face and pulls chin up*, you may feel like no one understands, but I do. Which is why you must pay very close attention to what I’m about to tell you.
Being single is actually the best.
Sure it doesn’t always feel like you’re the lucky recipient of the elusive and delicious onion ring in your order of fries, but singledom affords you many — so many — things that being coupled up doesn’t, specifically at these 21 times.
1. When there’s one fry left and you don’t have to give it to your partner only to secretly hope they choke on it as payback for taking the last stick of potato-y goodness
2. When you’re watching a movie and don’t have to rewind 300 times because your S.O. won’t STFU about what just happened, causing you to you miss what’s happening now
3. When you never have to decide between doing what you want and what they want
4. When you get to save a fuckton of money you would’ve spent on gifts for them
5. When you don’t have to try to impress their parents
6. When you don’t have to hang out with their dweeby friends
7. When you can fart all over the place and not worry about the repercussions
8. When you don’t have to smell their farts
9. When you don’t have to participate in a stupid couple’s Halloween costume (I work alone on the 31st.)
10. When you go out and flirt with as many strangers as you can possibly handle
11. Any time on the clock that ends in 0, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 6, 7, 8, or 9
12. When you want to be a hermit, turn your phone off, watch TV, and pretend no one but you exists
13. When your leg hair gets so long that it’s soft and no one can complain about it
14. When you want to be gross without anyone else seeing (are showers really that necessary when you just lay in bed all day?)
19. National Pizza with the Works Except Anchovies Day (11/5, FYI) or any national food holiday, for that matter
20. When you want to starfish the fuck out of your bed without kicking someone else in the ribs
21. Literally always