It’s a normal night. You’re sitting on your bed in sweats, crushing a personal pizza, and watching standup on Netflix while scrolling through Instagram. Something catches your eye. No, it’s not a gorgeous plate of pasta on your feed. It’s a happy couple (dun, dun, dun). Cue: eye roll.
If you were in a relationship, you’d (maybe) think it was nice, but you’re not and so you need to A. mute, B. block, C. unfollow or D. all of the above them right tf now. Let me stop you right there: You’re envious over a perceived reality. I get it, but you’re freaking out over a filtered square of pixels that happens to display two people who are likely very conscious of what they’re trying to portray. In order to stop yourself from spiraling into another dimension, review these things when your jealousy takes over.
1. Would you rather be standing on an uncomfortable rock barefoot trying to get the shot or sinking into your butt imprints on the couch?
2. People are literally just doing this for their grid.
3. Have you ever considered that no one cares about this but them?
4. Instagram is an altered reality that we all are addicted to. Hehe, I’m fine.
5. Think about how much work it is to upkeep an Instagram relationship.
6. Think about how much work a regular relationship is.
7. They probably have fights about who gets more likes on the same photo. Sounds like a blast.
8. The best part of their relationship is showing it off. Burn!
9. If you spent all of your hours being part of a social media couple you wouldn’t have time to critique the cakes on “The Great British Baking Show.”
10. Nothing is real, and aliens will take over soon anyway.
11. On top of everything a relationship comes with, they also have to worry about two people looking good in a photo, and we all know it’s the rules of photography that if one person looks good, the other looks like shit! I don’t make the rules, I just enforce them.
12. One of them probably hates taking pictures, and it’s a point of contention.
13. I bet you they don’t love each other and much as you love cornbread. Think about it.
14. In the amount of time you’re spending being peeved over them, you could be saving the world, doing your hair, running for office, eating a snack, thinking about eating a snack…
15. You can be your own IG couple. Hi, it’s called Photoshop.
16. Do you really want to be with a person who coordinates their outfits with their surroundings?
17. You know how the more you say a word the more it sounds weird? That but with their faces.
18. Being single is the bee’s knees.
19. They’re not personally attacking you — they’re personally attacking everyone.
20. What would Ariana do?
21. Also, what even is a relationship these days?