On an episode of “Sex and the City” entitled, “They Shoot Single People, Don’t They?,” Samantha finds herself in a situationship riddled with high hopes and false promises. On their first date, William, a salsa club owner, promises her a summer in the Hamptons filled with sailing trips and walks on the beach, only to ghost her the following day. She goes on to nickname him “we-guy” — as in, he talked and talked about all of the grandiose adventures the two of them would go on together, fully aware that his promises were empty vats of nothingness.
Unfortunately, we-people still roam the earth, and they continue to cause mini hurricanes of confusion for everyone who has the misfortune of going on a date with them. They are full of shit and, should you come in contact with one, please run far away as quickly as possible.
And to all of you false-promise-makers out there: I see you, and I’m coming for you. Every time you utter the word “we,” you ignite hope in that poor soul to whom you’re speaking, only to extinguish it with the tenacity of 1,000 firefighters when you stop responding to their texts. Ghosting is shitty, but we already know this. Ghosting coupled with the facade of false promises is particularly unacceptable, so stop saying these things if you have no intention of following through. Now.
1. “I love [bar/restaurant/country/literally any place]. We’ll go soon.”
2. “My friends are going to LOVE you.”
3. “I think you and my [immediate or distant relative] will get along.”
4. “What are you doing Saturday? We should do [something that sounds great in the moment but in hindsight sounds absolutely absurd].”
5. “I’m going to delete my apps.”
6. “That would look so good on you! I gotta get it for you.”
7. “We’ll talk soon.”
8. “I want to meet your dog.”
9. “You seem to be exactly what I’m looking for, which is perfect because I’m tired of dating around.”