Oh, so you’ve never seen tears shed on a first date? Neither had I until a few weeks ago, when my admittedly sensitive date began crying while discussing a recent NYT article. I’m no tear-shamer; however, there are more devastating matters than a newspaper article to publicly sob about, IMHO. Also, no one prepares you for how to react when this happens. I, for one, was speechless and dumbstruck, which are both very foreign states of being for me.

So, you can imagine my surprise when old wet eyes asked, “How am I doin’? How would you rate this date on a scale of 1 to 10?” Mind you, this was mere minutes after he’d awkwardly dried his tears while I stared at him in horror and confusion. My mind went blank and, before I could stop myself, replied, “Well… you cried, so like a 2, maybe a 3.” It was harsh, but I, for the second time that night, was caught off-guard.

This got me thinking: How great would it be to have the perfect response at the ready when you’re asked how a dismal date is going? Well, look no further — I got you, because no one should have to face this inquisition without a few quips in their arsenal. Of course, these lines should only be used on those who deserve them. If you know you’ve got a crier on your hands, proceed with caution.

  1. Have you seen the last 45 minutes of “Titanic?” Well, this isn’t too dissimilar.
  2. Wait, this is a date?
  3. I’m going to have to talk to my therapist about it and circle back.
  4. Have you ever washed a piece of red clothing with your whites? This somehow feels worse.
  5. Funny you ask — I actually just called my Uber.
  6. This date can be summed up in four words: waste of an outfit.
  7. My group chat is gonna be LIT once this is over.
  8. Oh, I loved the cacio e pepe, if that’s what you’re asking.
  9. I miss my dog.
  10. You know when you get too high from an edible and just want it to end? That’s what this feels like.
  11. I sat in rush-hour traffic for two hours to get here, and let’s just say I’d like to reclaim my time.
  12. Mariah Carey once sued a guy for inconveniencing her. This date has made me realize I need to lawyer up ASAP.
  13. Can we get the check please?
  14. I’ve had more fun at the gyno.
  15. Statistics say you’ve got to go on 13 bad dates to have one good one. I’m more than halfway there!
  16. The cocktails were amazing, so I wouldn’t say it’s a total disaster.
  17. Honestly, I’ve been thinking about how badly I want to put on my sweatpants this entire time.
  18. Beyoncé makes me very happy. Whenever I’m in a tough situation, I close my eyes and go to my happy place. I’ve thought about Beyoncé a lot tonight.