People of the world: I am hereby reclaiming the word lazy. Most people think the L-word is a bad thing, but I B to D (beg to differ). Being lazy is fun, not stressful, and gives you time to focus on the important things, like garnering an extreme knowledge of every lesser-loved Netflix show, being able to recite all of Panic! At The Disco’s deep cuts, and memorizing every restaurant on Seamless that delivers fried chicken sandwiches. However, laziness usually doesn’t lend its Cheeto-dusted hand to going on dates. Dates take effort, and effort I do not like to make. So, I’ve taken all of the positives of being lazy to show you how you, too, can acquire a dating life with less energy and more relaxation. Yawn.
Here’s the secret to looking your best: Do absolutely nothing at all. The roll-out-of-bed method is a real winner. Honestly, fuck a combed head of hair. Bedhead is very cute and requires approximately zero arm movement (have you ever tried straightening curls in a humid climate?). Athleisure is in; who needs real pants? Not I! And the fresh-faced look can be achieved without even glancing at yourself in the mirror.
Do you know what people hate most about dating? Picking a place to meet up. Your date will love you for making the executive decision, and you win because clearly you’re going to maximize convenience for yourself. Obviously, you should choose somewhere in close proximity to your home base. Then, confirm that the bar or restaurant has oversized booths for you to sprawl in. Noise level should also be kept to a dull roar. Pick a quiet, small bar — your date will think it’s intimate, but really, it just minimizes the effort of squeezing through jersey-clad Brads at some sports bar.
As new Gmail has taught us, having a canned response for everything rocks. Better yet, send an emoji or a GIF. But make sure you have a few on deck — thinking, not to mention scrolling through your keyboard, to find the right emoji for every situation is way too much work. My personal favorites are the old lady wizard, the fairy, and the girl doing cartwheel. Very whimsical and they go with everything. Also, a word from the wise: Set up a shortcut on your phone so you only have to hit one letter to type out an entire phrase: H = “Had fun tonight, would love to see you sometime soon.” Y = “Yes, I would like to go do that with you. Can’t wait!” S = “Sorry, that time doesn’t work for me. Let me know when you can reschedule.”
The good news is that people love to talk about themselves. So if you just sit there and let them roll, you’ll have to do minimal talking and they’ll leave thinking you’re a great listener. If you must, interject with a few questions to get your date talking longer and to avoid awkward silences or coming off as rude. Things like: “interesting, do elaborate,” “why?,” and “do you like (insert topic they’re talking about)?” should do the trick.
There you have it, the fool-proof, zero-effort, laziest way to successfully date. You can go back to bed now.