There are few things worse than waiting for a text back from someone you just started seeing. Every buzz of your phone causes you to leap onto your bed like an Olympic pole vaulter, only to see that it’s just your mom or another email from Bed Bath & Beyond. Sometimes you even imagine a vibration, only to realize no one is trying to talk to you (sorry, am I projecting my insecurities?). The urge to double text is strong, but you won’t allow your fingers to betray you because you want to seem like you have at least a little chill in the beginning (even though we all know in the end it doesn’t really matter). To secure the reputation of “I don’t give that much of a fuck,” I use these foolproof and extremely sly methods.

“React” to the message you sent.

When I’m feeling like I’m not getting the attention I deserve, I go back to my most recent text and react to it. Knowing me, it was probably something really funny that failed to receive a response. So, I do what any normal girl would do and HaHa my text. This usually implores the other person to bewilderedly ask, “Did you just laugh at your own text?” to which I reply, “Why yes, yes I did.” Boom, a whole new conversation about your quirky lil’ trick is off and running.

DM them a funny post.

There’s actually no better way to tell if someone is ignoring you than through a good old-fashioned DM. They may reply through actual words or by hearting the post, or you may just get the annoying miniature “seen below your message. Either way, you’ll be top of mind for them to have their oh shit, I didn’t respond! moment, or you can just pick up your chat right in IG. A win-win, TBH.

Stage a butt dial.

This can work in two ways. Either they answer and you don’t say a word, causing them to text you asking if you meant to call, or they miss the call and call you back. At that point, you can be all, “Uh, hello? What’s up?” and they’ll be all like, “Didn’t you call?” and then you’ll be like, “No, must’ve been a butt dial. But while I have you, check out that link I sent you.” You’ve just tricked them into having a full-fledged phone conversation, which is positively unheard of in this day in age.

Send a calendar invite.

Another perfectly passive aggressive move lies within Gmail, Outlook, and iCal — sender’s choice. I’m just making stuff up off the top of my head here, but name your event something like, “Answer [your name here].” Set the time for five minutes after you hit send and wait for the magic of a reply to unfold. If you’re feeling loquacious, drop a line in the description like, “Hello, kind sir. Please kindly direct your attention to me for I am bored out of my goddamn mind.”

In conclusion: It takes two (texts) to make a thing go right wrong.