Dear Kadeejah,

I feel guilty even writing to you about this: I’ve met the sweetest, smartest, funniest man in the world, and he’s drop-dead gorgeous and completely smitten with me. When we met, I was hooking up with someone on Tinder and when he swiped me back, I immediately ditched the other guy for him. We’ve been inseparable for a few months now, but there’s one thing I can’t move past: He’s terrible in bed.

Not to air out our dirty laundry or anything like that, but he can’t get hard and on the rare occasion that he does, he loses it by the time the condom is on. At first, I thought this was due to drinking and when I mentioned it, he was completely willing to ditch booze for a month to see if it helped. It didn’t. He’s an active, healthy, guy and still pretty young he’s 30 and I’m 27. The worst part is that he told me this is a NEW THING!!! If it didn’t happen in his other relationships, does that mean he’s not attracted to me physically? He says he is and that he thinks this is because he didn’t have sex for an entire year when he was volunteering abroad with refugees.

As much as I’m falling for him, I can’t deny that I miss the intimacy of sex. I can’t go any longer without it!! Ahhh! Help!

Sexless in Las Vegas

Dear Sexless In the City Of Sin,

Pause. He didn’t have sex for a year because he was volunteering with refugees!? And he’s smart? And he makes you laugh? And he treats you well?

You’ll have to decide for yourself is this is a deal breaker — not even Kadeejah can make that call. Keep an open mind though. Sex isn’t just about insertion, and there are plenty of ways to get a rise out of each other with foreplay, kissing, and a little creativity.

The good news is that you’re both communicating about the issue and he’s willing to put in the hard work to please you and himself. Don’t dismiss him too quickly. It’s much harder to find a solid partner than it is to find a partner who can get rock solid.

According to the University of Wisconsin’s School of Medicine and Public health, the percentage of men under 40 with ED is as low as 5 percent. Be sure to rule out if the issue is physical; a trip to the doctor will likely give you both some answers.

Still, my instinct tells me this is a psychological issue. Could there be any leftover trauma from his time volunteering? I bet he saw some horrifying stuff that could be lingering in the back of his mind only showing up in the form of a flaccid penis. IMO, everyone should be in therapy, and your new man may just need to get some stuff off his chest.

Therapy is a process, and if you’re already at your wits’ end, you may not want to wait. Start the conversation about other forms of intimacy that can help you both feel fulfilled. Discuss boundaries, limitations, and comfort with every topic. Relationships come in all different shapes and sizes. I’m going to have to tell you like it is my sexless friend. He sounds like a keeper, soft penis and all.

— Kadeejah

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