It goes without saying that COVID-19 has changed the way people date, but it’s also changed the people we date. These days, Lysol is my new perfume and I’m only attracted to people who adhere to the guidelines from our local health officials. Seriously, the way you behave in a pandemic says a lot about who you are as a person and frankly, I don’t want to date a prick.
Dating deal breakers have changed for a lot of people, too. In the past, maybe you were allergic to cat owners. Or maybe dating a vegan would throw a wrench in your repertoire of vegan jokes. But right now, there are more important things to worry about. Before, I would never date someone in Birkenstocks, but now, I’m way more concerned about what the person is wearing on their hands than on their feet. If you’re wearing gloves to the grocery store, I could be inclined to overlook the Jesus sandals.
For those of us who’ve been waiting our whole lives to openly sit on a throne of judgment, now is your time to thrive. I won’t be just handing out heavy sighs and dirty looks if my match has one of these six deal breakers, I’ll be crossing them off my list altogether.
1. Taking risks
Going out and ignoring social distancing guidelines isn’t just risky — it’s reckless. If you want to jump out of an airplane, I’m all for it. But, if you believe that you are excused from wearing a mask because of your love of jogging, I’m going to have to call bullshit. Try jogging in place and try another girl, because I’m not the one.
2. Taking unemployment benefits when you don’t really need them
If you’re using your unemployment benefits to pay for your cart on Anthropology, then it’s time to ask yourself, do you really need the money? This is not the time to pimp the system. We need those funds reserved for people who are legit out of work, not for you to take the summer off so you can work on your art. Not only is this a total turnoff, but it’s also a big “fuck you” to all the essential workers, who, BTW, can’t quit their jobs because then they wouldn’t even be eligible for unemployment.
3. Hoarding essentials
“I’ve got enough toilet paper to last us the entire year” is like telling me “I’ve got a bunch of babies chillin’ in my freezer.” How is that not a crime? And why are you openly admitting in your bio that you are the reason why some people have turned to paper towels? There are few things more unattractive than buying more than you need in a time of a global crisis. Get a clue and maybe then you can be my boo.
4. Close talking
IMO, close talkers should have their mouths zipped shut during the pandemic. What do you have to say that can’t be said six feet apart? Nada. Here’s the thing, if you’re too close to everyone then you’ll never get close to me. Also, you’ll be talking to my gloved hand because the face is off limits until you learn how to take a step back and speak from your diaphragm.
5. Being a news junkie
Breaking news: You are a killjoy. We all need to stay informed, but most therapists agree that you should limit your exposure to the news during this time. So, please ask for my consent before you turn into a bonafide Anderson Cooper and preach COVID updates to me while I try to astral-travel anywhere but here with you.
6. Physically going to work when you don’t have to
Recent commercials have led me to believe that we’re all in this together, which means that you can’t just think about yourself. Limiting your exposure to the outside world protects you and the people you’re physically around. You certainly won’t be hanging out with me if you’re lollygagging around your office because you prefer the view to your apartment’s. Thank you. Next.