Look, I’m not suggesting anyone act like a straight-up barbarian when they start dating someone new. But I do think there’s something to be said about being — and feeling comfortable enough to be — your full self early on. I’m generally not all that well-behaved, so why should I follow some rule that mandates I act like I am? Oh, it’s simple: I shouldn’t. I’m resolving right here and now to stop subscribing to this limiting law. By doing these things right off the bat, I also have a low-key great way to weed out people who are — what’s the word I’m looking for? — dumb.
1. Leave a toothbrush at their place. If Sephora sold a “Morning Breath” scented perfume, would you buy it? Probably not. Your breath and their nose will thank you.
2. Admit I care about where we eat. Pretending like you don’t know precisely what you want for dinner is basically lying. It doesn’t make you look any better at compromise. Ask for tacos. Lean in. Get the extra guac.
3. Unhide my belongings, like my teddy and blankey.
4. Bring an overnight bag. I know I’m going to sleep over. It’s not economical (financially or in terms of my beauty sleep) to get an Uber home before work in the a.m. Think about the environment and the carbon monoxide emissions you’ll be preventing. Congrats, you’re basically Leo DiCaprio.
5. Go number-two at their place. What’s worse: being like, “I really have to go to the bathroom” or holding in a fart for 17 hours?
6. Doing something I don’t like at all with them just to be nice. Don’t drag your ass to a museum when you’d rather be crushing margaritas at that new brunch spot.
7. Telling them when I’m annoyed. Honestly, half of your problems could be resolved in two minutes if you just pronounced you were pissed off. I’d argue that being a yes man (or woman, or gender-non conforming person) is worse than having a hard conversation.
8. Ask what they’re looking for. If they want 300 kids and to get married within the next year, but you just want someone to help reach your food limit for free delivery, then you know they’re not the one for you. Over and out.