You know which dates are annoying, uninteresting, and an all-around bad time? The ones where you might as well not even be on a date at all because the person who you’re with won’t shut the fuck up about themselves. You know the type: extremely self-impressed (whether that’s valid or not), seems to have forgotten you exist, and will not stop talking about how they won the award for best volleyball player every year in elementary school. A second date is pretty much off the table, so you might as well try to butt in, sway the conversation, or at the very least, have some sort of fun, right? Right. These are, without fail, the best ways to do those things when someone has diarrhea of the mouth.
1. Say, “Oh that’s so interesting. It actually reminds of this thing that has nothing to do with what you’re talking about, but I’d like to share some stuff about me now.”
2. Sigh very loudly. Keep sighing until they go silent.
3. Casually drop a fork or some other dining accoutrement onto the floor to 1. see if they notice and/or stop talking, and 2. go to pick it up (this is a test to decipher whether they’re human or have a black hole where their heart should be).
4. Say, “So sorry to interrupt your riveting tale of Netflix bingeing, but you just have to try this.” Then proceed to give them a huge bite of whatever is on your plate, so huge they have to spend 20 minutes chewing. And if they try to talk with filet mignon in their mouth (the disrespect), well, you should vacate the premises immediately.
5. Mumble something inaudible under your breath so they stop and go, “What?” and you say, “Oh nothing, nothing. But actually I wanted to tell you something before I forget.” Boom, you just successfully started talking about yourself.
6. Put your pointer finger up and say, “Hold that thought. I need to go drown myself in the toilet. BRB.”
7. On your way to drown yourself in the toilet, ask the waiter to refill your water every five minutes in order to create some sort of interruption.
8. Start crying (the ample water supply from said waiter will help create fake tears) and say, “I’m sorry, it’s just that, hearing you talk about your fencing trophies makes me really sad.”
9. Ask a question that there is literally no answer to. “Has anyone ever told you that you look like that person who was in that one movie that time? You know, the one about the guy who falls in love, then gets his heart broken and starts acting crazy?”
10. Stare off into the distance and when they ask if you’re listening, say, “Oh, sorry, I fell asleep for a second.”
11. Take a drink every time they say “I.”
12. Randomly ask if they farted.
13. Pretend you see someone you know across the room. Excuse yourself to go say hi. Don’t come back.
14. Put your AirPods in.
15. Genuinely ask, “Hey, just curious, do you want to know anything about me? Totally cool if not — just want to manage my expectations.”
16. Offer to pay for dinner if they stop talking. If they take the bait, just say you were kidding. Do not waste a dime on a diarrhea mouth.
17. Keep asking irrelevant questions about their story like, “And how do you think that’s going to affect our country’s economy?” or “What would Bill Nye think about that?”
18. Inquire as to whether you can talk about literally anything else in the world.
19. Start planning your exit strategy.