Hi, I’m 26 years old, single, and — don’t freak out — I like it. What fueled this security in my singlehood is the sheer number of friends I have who are either already hitched or recently engaged and soon-to-be married. Don’t get me wrong: I’m so happy for them, and it truly warms the depths of my black soul to witness their joy. But I’m just not ready for someone to take a knee and ask me to be with them for the rest of my life. So, until I’m all set to be anywhere near taking that leap, I’d happily scream yes with tears running down my cheeks to these other very enticing proposals.
1. Will you eat the rest of my chicken fingers?
2. Will you own this dog that someone else 100% takes care of?
3. Will you help me spend this $10,000?
4. Will you agree to get paid to watch Netflix?
5. Will you sleep for 10 hours while I clean your apartment?
6. Will you stay in my Italian villa at no cost?
7. Will you take these backstage passes to Lizzo off my hands?
8. Will you be brutally honest with absolutely no repercussions?
9. Will you allow me to exile Fig Newtons from all snack aisles?
10. Will you accept this certificate for a spa day?
11. Will you let me hook up this IV filled with iced coffee to your arm?
12. Will you give me permission to compliment you every hour of every day?
13. Will you eat this cheese board knowing you won’t get sick after?
14. Will you say no to all plans for a week and have no one get mad at you for it?
15. Will you be greeted by JVN as your morning alarm?
16. Will you let Beyonce sing you to sleep every night while Rihanna cuddles you or vice versa?
17. Will you have clear skin for the rest of your life?
18. Will you never have to work out but somehow have abs?
19. Will you never be followed around by a commission-hungry sales associate again?
20. Will you just have someone to do all of your personal shopping for you?
21. Will you eat fried food everyday but have the insides of a vegan?
22. Will you never have to fake laugh at a stupid joke again?
23. Will you accept the power to make anyone who brings salmon to work for lunch disappear?
24. Will you be the gatekeeper for all celeb drama?
25. Will you only receive birthday cards that hold cash?
26. Will you always get a full row to yourself on an airplane?
27. Will you never slip up and say “you too!” when a waiter tells you to enjoy your food?