We need to talk. You should probably sit down for this. I’ve been thinking a lot about us, and it’s just not working. I’ve felt our time coming to an end for awhile now — you’ve taken so much from me these last 12 months. That ends today. Not that I really owe you any sort of explanation, but I’m a good person so I will count the ways that you have wronged me and the rest of the world.
Let’s start with all of the celebrity breakups you put me through, shall we? Channing Tatum and Jenna Dewan (I thought the couple that dances together, stays together). Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux (I hate you, 2018). Anderson Cooper and Ben Maisani (tears. flowing). Jenny Slate and Chris Evans (only a monster could do that to Captain America and Marcel the Shell). Diddy and Cassie (my little ’90s/early ’00s heart? Broken). And finally, Cazzie and Pete and then Pete and Ari! Though, that last one did spawn “Thank U, Next,” so I can’t be too mad — that shit’s a jam.
You also threw some pretty meh dates at me. I thought we were in an open relationship — why so petty, 2018? And let’s not forget that you resurrected more than one ex who should’ve remained buried. You fucked with my friends, sending ghosts and straight-up a-holes their way. Not cool, man.
Moving along! You closed the doors to my childhood when you bankrupted Toys “R” Us. You made everyone eat Tide Pods. You convinced Meghan Markle’s dad to never STFU. You took Nick Jonas off the market. You had Piers Morgan still acting like Piers Morgan. You turned Bhad Bhabie famous. “Cash me outside” is a phrase that should burn in hell for all of eternity, much like you. Then there was Tristan Thompson being a real piece of work. You took icons away from us: hero John McCain, queen Aretha, chef/daddy Bourdain, genius Stephen Hawking, and the essence of “Austin Powers,” Verne Troyer.
Oh, and don’t think I forgot about the shows you cancelled or ended, thus crushing dreams of mes everywhere: “Broad City,” “Girlboss,” “New Girl,” “Chelsea,” the list goes on. Worst of all, you took “The Rugrats Movie” off of Netflix. Have you no humanity?
Speaking of humanity, you’ve done so much damage to our earth and the people who inhabit it. Fires. Shootings. The overall state of this country. I won’t keep going, but you know what you did.
It’s not me. It’s you. You’re toxic. Take this time to work on yourself. Maybe seek out professional help. Ask why you get a sick, twisted pleasure out of ruining everyone’s lives. Delete my number. I’ve already deleted yours. In fact, I never saved it in the first place.
Goodbye. Good riddance. Thanks for, well, nothing.
See you never,