According to some astrology websites (many of which, I might add, are inconsistent with one another), I, a Capricorn, am a terrible match for a Leo. Yet my longest, healthiest relationship was with a Leo. Sounds fishy, doesn’t it?
But, look, I don’t care if you’re a Leo. I don’t care what your rising sign is. And if you’re trying to date a Capricorn because they’re supposed to be neat and organized, you’ve got the wrong girl. In fact, I would appreciate if you acknowledged that the only significant thing about my January 14th birthday is that growing up, I had to celebrate a week early since everyone was away for Martin Luther King Day weekend.
Needless to say, I firmly believe that pretty much any insignificant detail about you tells me more about our couple potential than our birthdays. For example, these 23 facts.
1. Which letter of the alphabet your last name begins with. If you’re a Z, our place card at weddings is going to be way at the back of the escort table. I’m not accustomed to that.
2. What size shoe you wear. No, not for that reason! I need to know whether if we break up and you leave them at my place they are a size that’s in high enough demand that I can sell them on Poshmark.
3. If you live on an even- or odd-numbered street. In my city, this impacts the direction of traffic to get to your apartment, so it could factor into the Uber commute.
4. Whether you put ketchup on top of all the fries or on the side. If you’re a topper, you’ll either have to compromise, or we can’t share fries and will have to get two orders. That will affect my budget.
5. Do you like M&Ms? I hate M&Ms, so you won’t have to worry about me eating all the M&Ms if you buy a bag.
6. Whether you’ve read “Harry Potter” or at the very least seen the movies. This is a different question from whether you liked “Harry Potter,” because not liking “Harry Potter” is an obvious deal breaker. On the other hand, if you haven’t read “Harry Potter,” you’re not going to understand half the things I say, because they’re all HP references.
7. Will you kill a cockroach? Because I certainly won’t, so if you won’t, we may have a roach problem.
8. Will you kill a spider? If not, that’s OK. I will. I can protect you, baby.
9. Whether you like mozzarella sticks. It’s not that I can’t date you if you don’t (more mozz for me!), but I do kind of question anyone who doesn’t enjoy fried cheese.
10. Do you have a Mac or a PC? If I ever need to borrow your computer, I may need to allow myself a little extra time to adjust to your keyboard.
11. If you’re an Android person. If so, when we’re in group chats, the whole damn thing is going to be green instead of blue because of your phone.
12. Do you know anyone else with my name? As someone with a less common name, I’m not as used to this as a John or Sarah may be, so it could throw me off during conversations.
13. Did you keep your Beanie Babies thinking they would one day be worth something? In other words, do we share the same generational economic disappointment?
14. Whether you take milk in your coffee. Or at least if I stay over and you make me coffee, will you have milk available for me to put in mine? Milk alternatives like oat and almond are also acceptable.
15. Speaking of which, will you make me coffee in the morning?
16. What color hair your parents have. If we end up having kids together, I want to do the genetic squares thing to see what color hair my kids could potentially have. (I know, I know, it’s too soon to have this conversation.)
17. Are you 28? Because, if so, you may be going through your Saturn return, which is when Saturn completes its circuit through the sky back to… Actually, jk! I don’t care about this.
18. Do you understand that a marathon is always, by definition, 26.2 miles? Or are you going to ask me how my marathon went when I run a 10k?
19. If you hate the color orange. I have a lot of orange clothing from going to college at Syracuse, so while it doesn’t have to be your favorite color, it may be a problem if you are truly repulsed by it.
20. Do you also sleep with the fan on and the TV off? If not, we can try to compromise, but TBH, I’m not sure how much wiggle room there really is.
21. Do you snore? I mean, maybe you’re still worth it if you do. Maybe.
22. Do you care what ice cream flavor I eat? Seriously, I’m not boring, I just like vanilla, and I don’t want any toppings on it. Everyone needs to leave me alone about this!
23. And while we’re on the topic of ice cream, do you call sprinkles, “jimmies?” I don’t know if that’s something I can ever get used to.