Ask almost any couple under 30 how they met and the answer will likely revolve around sliding into the DMs, who sent the first Tinder message, and what drew someone to Like their current partner. It makes you wonder, how did these people end up with their perfectly enticing profiles?
Crafting a good bio is challenging. How much is too much to share about yourself? Do you write out your dating intentions? What makes the best impression as people are flipping through? Is linking your Instagram account cute? Should you include an anthem or not? For some semi-personalized inspiration, we asked 12 astrologers to pen the, shall we say, most honest Tinder bio for each zodiac sign. Look up your sun and Venus signs for the best results, and tailor your *new-and-improved* profile accordingly.
“‘Call me cursed or just call me blessed. If you can’t handle my worst you ain’t getting my best.’ —Nicki Minaj
Hiya! Today is your lucky day because you have the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to get to know me. Here are some pros and cons of dating me:
- You will never experience boredom again.
- I’m the epitome of a ride or die.
- We can make your ex jealous.
- You really thought there would be cons? Try again, sweetie.”
—Ebru Lore (@cancermajesty)
“Hungry homebody seeks same. Let’s smoke a joint at my place and laugh at memes together — you bring the hot wings and I’ll supply the wet wipes.
I like what I like: fierce femmes (of any gender), Michelin-starred restaurants, high-thread-count Egyptian cotton sheets, weekend trips to the woods, art museums, and chocolate after every meal.
I don’t like what I don’t like: no jabronis, no freeloaders, no fear of commitment, no early mornings, and no flighty, fickle liars.”
—Kelsey Branca, founder of Deep Sea Astrology
“The best dates feel friendly and romantic. Let’s talk without pressure and expectations but with love and tranquility. I want to be someone’s friend and lover.
I want you to be vulgar and sophisticated. Tell me why your favorite work of literature moves you. Then show me a meme that made you laugh so hard in bed you almost dropped your phone on your head. Ask questions with passion. I don’t want parallel monologues. I want interfacing dialogue with you.”
—Colin Bedell, author of “A Little Bit of Astrology: An Introduction to the Zodiac”
“Looking for someone to process childhood trauma and share inside jokes with. Beware: I WILL catch feelings.
Me: Soft homebody who can cook but doesn’t make a big deal out of it. Can eat 👅💦 and also doesn’t make a big deal out of it.
You: Live within a 10-block radius of me 🏘, willing to cuddle for hours while binging on Netflix and takeout, and intuitive enough to ask me what’s wrong without having to be told 💜”
—Alice Sparkly Kat (@alicesparklykat)
“FIREBALL 🔥 Flair for the dramatic, but I don’t love actual drama. My spiritual practice is making you laugh.
😈 Hobbies are posting daily thirst traps, making or finding the art in everything, and yes… getting attention. Always playful, don’t like to be super serious (unless it’s about me or my f e e l i n g s).
🌹 Big laugh, big hair, big a**, bigger heart.
🚫 Nope if you’re not down for $20 cocktails. Only interested in something excellent. No flakes.
💥Make me feel like the center of the universe.”
—Emily Heather, founder of The Voluptuous Witch
“📈 Never met an Excel sheet I didn’t like.
📆 Calendar reminders make my heart flutter.
I’m skeptical of online dating but looking for someone to share green smoothies with before an early morning gym sesh. Communication matters (and so does grammar). On my days off you can find me volunteering, lost in a good book, re-organizing my color-coordinated closet, or honestly probably still doing work. I carry the team during trivia night but also love to unwind at home. Couponing isn’t just a skill, it’s a way of life.”
—Leona Moon (@leonamoonastrology)
“Looking for someone to satisfy my fantasies around romance — in other words, to adore me unconditionally and fund my shopping trips 😏. If you like to make your dates decide where to eat, don’t bother Liking (I’m kidding, but really — don’t make me pick!). If you don’t care about equality in all spaces of civilization, keep it movin’. I just want the perfect someone to sweep me off my feet! 💞”
—Abby Diaz (@thatonelibrabitch)
Being yourself is the most provocative, so don’t try hard with me. Not impressed by anything, anyway. If you’re thinking it, I’m already suspecting it. I’m only interested in people as brave and deep with love as I am. The shallow and superficial need not apply.”
—Ari Felix (@saltwater.stars)
“Polyam ex-punk looking for a brainy babe who will travel with me by land or sea toward new experiences and newer, better versions of ourselves. My bags are packed and getting lighter all the time. Hoping to share a sense of humor and a vision for a better, more humane world. Let’s go on a stroll through the cemetery and talk about how we’re here for a good time, not a long time.”
—Gala Mukomolova (@galactic_rabbit_horoscopes)
“I’m looking for someone to work hard for and bring home to the fam. Must be tender enough to bring out my soft side and respond to romantic gestures rather than words. I’ll always move to pick up the check but love to be wined and dined. Be my ride or die and I’ll protect you for life. Dark humor and responsibility required.”
—Taylor Ursula, founder of Neptune Rises
“Let’s go dumpster diving.
No racists or homophobes, and we probably won’t match if you care about the Kardashians.”
—Etai Ben-Simhon (@astrologyroast)
“I’m a hopeless romantic who loves their dog and will absolutely adore yours.
In search of high-vibe and spiritually inclined individuals.
Let’s chill out, listen to music, and talk about the wonders of existence.
—Shakirah Tabourn, founder of The Strology