Late Saturday night, our lord Ariana Grande dropped a goddamn bop and set a new barometer for breakup anthems. Instead of being resentful, “Thank U, Next” is full of gratitude, and Ari actually thanks her exes for allowing her to become the person she is today. Good golly, I wish I could be that appreciative of my monster ex-boyfriends. I’ve been listening to the song on repeat because 1. As previously mentioned, it’s a goddamn bop, and 2. I’ve been trying to see if I could also be above it all. But alas, as inspiring and revolutionary as this song is, the low road is how I will always travel. The high road is hard to get to, and also, I’m lazy. Oh, and I can be a real petty bitch. Even if I put my heart and soul into it, I could never be as unbothered, mature, cool, calm, and/or collected about my past relationships as Ari. And if I were an international pop star (I am in the shower), my non-hit single “Fuck U, Next”, would go a little something like this:

Thought I’d end up with John*
But he wasn’t a catch
If you had a car, stupid Larry*
Your tires I would happily slash
Even almost met the parents
And for Sam* I’m not thankful
Wish I could say “fuck you” to Mason*
Cause he was ungrateful
One taught me hate
One taught me vengeance
And one taught me pain
I’m so petty it’s amazing
Say I’ve loved and I’ve lost
And that’s exactly what I see
So look what I got
Look how you left me
And for that I say
Fuck u, next
Fuck u, next
Fuck u, next
I’m so fucking pissed off at my ex

Moral of the story? Ari is a queen, we should all bow down to her, and I am the worst. Bye!

*Names of exes have been changed to protect myself.