It’s hard for me to type right now because I’m literally twerking at my desk to the absolute slapper of an album Ari just dropped. I won’t detail every bop-tastic track — I’m not a music critic, just an Ari worshipper. All you have to know is that every song has brought me closer to god(dess), bangs harder than Zooey Deschanel’s forehead, and illustrates how little of a fuck single Queen Ari gives.
This girl got “tiny BBQ” mistakenly tattooed on her hand and gave neither a hoot nor a holler. She dropped out of performing at the Grammys because the old white men who run things weren’t willing to compromise or collaborate (shocker). She throws shade on Twitter like she’s the starting pitcher in the goddamn World Series. She has more BDE than her ex who sparked the term.
She truly will take no fuckery.
And let’s not forget the aesthetics. Her iconic pony! I want to live in the silky sheen of those beautiful strands. Just swinging to-and-fro as Ari does her rich-woman things, which I imagine consist of buying diamonds, playing with her pet pig, Piggie Smalls, and having someone go fetch her a scone. I want to hang out in the joey of her oversized sweatshirt, soaking up her awesomeness. I want to be her lollipop so I can collect her saliva and take it to a lab to run tests and figure out why she’s so perfect. (Am I creeping you out yet?) The woman oozes cool. If I had even an ounce of the swag she has, maybe I could acquire the coveted position of backup dancer on her next tour and become stunning by association.
I honestly don’t know if I want to be her or be with her. She probably wouldn’t want me because she’s with Ari and also I have literally nothing to offer her but more anxiety. She doesn’t need me or my baggage right now. She doesn’t need anyone. And that’s the precise reason why she embodies the forever mood that we should all strive for. In “Bloodline,” she lets some dude know that he’s not good enough to be a lil’ perfect leaf on her family tree, but she’ll keep him around just for fun. I am screaming at the pure IDGAF-ness.
Ari is real and honest and pours her dang heart out without it feeling too earnest. She’s been through a lot of shit (the death of her ex, Mac Miller, a broken engagement, the suicide bombing at her concert, need I go on?), but she hasn’t let that stop her. In fact, she’s only gotten better. Now she’s going to take over the world, and I, for one, have never been more here for anything in my life than I am for AG world domination.