The worst date I’ve ever been on involved vegetables. The guy wanted to surprise me with a restaurant he thought I would like, because he obviously knew me well enough to discern what that would be. Well, apparently, I come off as a vegan, and should that assessment have been accurate, this would have been an extremely thoughtful gesture. However, a plant-based person I am not, as evidenced by the fact that I showed up in head-to-toe leather.
That night, I ate two mushrooms and a celery root. My date was also extremely rude to the waiter and accused me of an interrogation after I asked him two questions about himself — clearly, wondering about where he was from and his musical tastes was super invasive. Had I had, say, a list of handy escape strategies, I would’ve been outta Avant Garden (clever name, at least) faster than you can say “crudité.” So, I created some plans for departure for the next time someone tries to take me (or you) out for tomatoes.
1. Storm out when they say something that’s not in the least bit offensive.
If your date tells you they absolutely love fall, spin that. Be all, “fall is a really offensive season, you know. You should check your privilege.” Scoot your chair back with flair, walk with a purpose, and slam that door. Brava, take a bow.
2. Go the TMI route.
I personally think poop is hilarious, but I get how feces may not be the best first date fodder. Pluck out an eyelash, make a wish on it, and tell your date that you’re crossing your fingers for a decent BM in the coming moments. You’ve been really backed up. You even tried going pre-drinks, but it just wouldn’t budge, that little stinker. Now, you feel it coming and you’ve just got to go take care of business back home in private. Shit happens, amirite?
3. Speak exclusively in song.
Them: “Yeah, so I kill it at work, and I’m making close to $200K now.”
You (in Shania Twain voice): “That don’t impress me much, oh-oo-oh.”
Them: “Want to order another round?”
You (in N’SYNC voice): “Bye Bye Bye *bye, bye*”
4. Pretend like they’re someone else.
Start throwing out facts about another person you’re seeing or even a friend. It doesn’t matter who; the point is to make your date think that you think that they’re someone else. Mid-date, confirm with something like, “Wait, it’s Josh, right?” and when they reply, “No, John?” sheepishly admit that you totally mistook them for another dude and you should probably go find Josh… or was it Jack?
5. Just disagree with everything they say.
Combative people are the worst. End your date early by being one. If they mention they love “Seinfeld,” protest that Larry David isn’t funny. If they say they dislike brushing their teeth after their morning glass of OJ, exclaim that it’s your favorite taste in the world. Sprinkle a, “this isn’t working, is it?” on top for added effect and a swift farewell.
6. Pull a “White Chicks.”
“Perhaps a salad for the lady?” “Perhaps not.” Order a feast off of the menu, chew with your mouth open, and engage in truly unruly table etiquette. Unless you really want to commit, clipping your toenails with your teeth may be a stretch. But popping a pimple over jalapeno poppers? Total **chef kiss**. The person across from you won’t be able to resist leaving immediately.
7. Ask for the check as soon as you order.
“Hi, yes, may I please have the chicken in a to-go box and also the check when you get a chance?” Asking for the bill pretty much signifies that the meal is over before it begins, sans awkward conversation. It also ensures you’ll have some dinner for after you duck out. Gotta focus on the important things here.