27 Things Scarier Than Saying ‘I Love You’
Look, I’m not trying to minimize the fact that saying “I love you” is extremely scary, because it is. I even get nervous to say it to a new friend, and that’s really low-risk. So, when it comes to romantic partners, you can imagine my hesitation. However, when you feel you’re in the right relationship and are secure, it’s actually not scary at all. It’s easy, kind of like asking someone to pass the ranch. In fact, I can think of a lot of things that are way more terrifying — 27 of them, to be exact.
1. Finding a rogue Band-Aid in your bed
2. Realizing you forgot to put on deodorant
3. The moment your phone falls on the ground, face down, ass up, and you hope to god there are no cracks
4. Clowns
5. Wet paper (just me?)
6. Accidentally sending a shit-talking text to the person you’re trashing
7. Your parents catching you having a party in your basement
8. Deleting a project you just spent 12 hours working on (I flash back to when I deleted my entire owl pellet lab in seventh grade. I was partnering with the cool girl, but she was nice about it and now we’re roommates.)
9. When you’re with a friend who you have to introduce to a group and have forgotten most of their names
10. Everything currently happening in America
11. Germs
12. People who chew with their mouths open (If you don’t find this scary, you are one of these people, partner.)
13. Calling your teacher “mom”
14. Global warming
15. People who clap on airplanes
16. Cats
17. A party where you know no one and there are also no food or dogs
18. Watching a movie with your parents — namely the part where the sex scene comes on
19. Subsequently having the sex talk with them
20. Sleeping over at someone’s house and needing something in the middle of the night when no one is awake
21. Food recalls
22. Not cancelling a free trial before they start charging you
23. A nightmare where Captain Morgan himself makes you walk the plank in your skivvies (I’m working through this in therapy.)
24. Any family gathering…
25. At which they all ask why you’re single
26. The alarm that wakes you up every morning
27. Lions and tigers and bears, oh my