Look, I’m not trying to minimize the fact that saying “I love you” is extremely scary, because it is. I even get nervous to say it to a new friend, and that’s really low-risk. So, when it comes to romantic partners, you can imagine my hesitation. However, when you feel you’re in the right relationship and are secure, it’s actually not scary at all. It’s easy, kind of like asking someone to pass the ranch. In fact, I can think of a lot of things that are way more terrifying — 27 of them, to be exact.

1. Finding a rogue Band-Aid in your bed

2. Realizing you forgot to put on deodorant

3. The moment your phone falls on the ground, face down, ass up, and you hope to god there are no cracks

4. Clowns

5. Wet paper (just me?)

6. Accidentally sending a shit-talking text to the person you’re trashing

7. Your parents catching you having a party in your basement

8. Deleting a project you just spent 12 hours working on (I flash back to when I deleted my entire owl pellet lab in seventh grade. I was partnering with the cool girl, but she was nice about it and now we’re roommates.)

9. When you’re with a friend who you have to introduce to a group and have forgotten most of their names

10. Everything currently happening in America

11. Germs

12. People who chew with their mouths open (If you don’t find this scary, you are one of these people, partner.)

13. Calling your teacher “mom”

14. Global warming

15. People who clap on airplanes

16. Cats

17. A party where you know no one and there are also no food or dogs

18. Watching a movie with your parents — namely the part where the sex scene comes on

19. Subsequently having the sex talk with them

20. Sleeping over at someone’s house and needing something in the middle of the night when no one is awake

21. Food recalls

22. Not cancelling a free trial before they start charging you

23. A nightmare where Captain Morgan himself makes you walk the plank in your skivvies (I’m working through this in therapy.)

24. Any family gathering…

25. At which they all ask why you’re single

26. The alarm that wakes you up every morning

27. Lions and tigers and bears, oh my